You don’t get a clean slate every weekend. Sure you can change and improve but it’s still on your conscience you asshole.

The doctor gave me codeine for the pain, and I’ve been as high as a kite for most of the day.

There is a distinct difference from being kind to someone and being completely ingenious. I don’t pretend to like everyone, I think it’s a real judge of character when you meet people who are perfectly sweet and lovely to your face and another thing completely in a different situation.

It’s like i’m the shore and this fucking tide keeps coming back. It keeps coming back and it’s never going to leave me until it’s finally washed me out completely. I though it had stopped, I thought I was done with this. That the anxiety and the nightmares had been put to bed, that the server paranoia and the fear had somehow been controlled with the right amount of therapy and those silly breathing exercises she told me to practice. I thought it was working, in fact I hadn’t thought about it in nearly four months and I thought I was getting better.

I know she told me it could come back any second, minute, hour, day or week, that anything could trigger but I honestly don’t know how to deal with this right now. I don’t have time to stop and pause, I have university working against me I have essays to write, exams to pass and do well in, responsibilities to uphold but to say i’m not struggling,even a bit would be dishonest. I think for the average person this would really be a normal and healthy level or stress and anxiety, but for me it’s heightened.

I feel like i’m really fucking struggling to keep my mind balanced with healthy and positive thoughts. It’s that raw and fragile and vulnerable self I don’t think I want to revisit this because it’s a mess.